Choices come back to haunt us. Always.
It is difficult to predict the future. But almost no one seems to be able to resist trying it.
At the moment, I cannot decide between concentrating continuing with PG, or on new applications for colleges abroad, or on giving CAT my best shot. The choices, I guess, ultimately boil down to two fundamental questions:how passionately I want PG to succeed, and whether I am ok with risking not getting into an MBA program this year.
I know I desperately want PG to succeed. I cannot get it out of my head, and I have to literally pull myself out of a trance to think about something else. I have to check myself when I am with other people, so that I concentrate on what they are saying and not think about whether my marketing/positioning plan is right, or whether there is something I could do to implement Clayton Chistensen’s concept of disruptive innovation.
On the other hand, I need to plan my future too. What if I fail? What if I am going completely awry with this thing? Am I being an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand? Or am I being smart about how I am going about things? Am i doing my best to find other people capable to run this thing without me? Is my plan to run it even during b-school actually implementable, or plain bonkers? I know these are negative thoughts, but I am racked with self-doubt. I can’t be so self-assured that everything will be fine. Sometimes I feel I have no clue what I am doing, while sometimes I feel on top of the world with self-confidence and self-belief.
But then, I remember going through a similar confused state around 5 years ago, when I had to decide between working for Amdocs and working for TCS. It had then seemed to be such a tremendous decision to make.
In hindsight though, I don’t know if that decision played a major role in my life. I would have probably still been unhappy with climbing the corporate ladder, and I can see how I would have gone down a similar path to the one I took.
I know I am hypothesizing here, but maybe my choices have played NO part in my current situation. Maybe I am what I am, and would have been what I am no matter what.
Because you didn’t come here to make the choice, you’ve already made it. You’re here to try to understand *why* you made it. I thought you’d have figured that out by now.
– The Oracle (The Matrix Reloaded)
I am still trying to figure it out.
Maybe choice is an illusion after all.