Choice, the problem is choice

Choices come back to haunt us. Always.

It is difficult to predict the future. But almost no one seems to be able to resist trying it.

At the moment, I cannot decide between concentrating continuing with PG, or on new applications for colleges abroad, or on giving CAT my best shot. The choices, I guess, ultimately boil down to two fundamental questions:how passionately I want PG to succeed, and whether I am ok with risking not getting into an MBA program this year.

I know I desperately want PG to succeed. I cannot get it out of my head, and I have to literally pull myself out of a trance to think about something else. I have to check myself when I am with other people, so that I concentrate on what they are saying and not think about whether my marketing/positioning plan is right, or whether there is something I could do to implement Clayton Chistensen’s concept of disruptive innovation.

On the other hand, I need to plan my future too. What if I fail? What if I am going completely awry with this thing? Am I being an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand? Or am I being smart about how I am going about things? Am i doing my best to find other people capable to run this thing without me? Is my plan to run it even during b-school actually implementable, or plain bonkers? I know these are negative thoughts, but I am racked with self-doubt. I can’t be so self-assured that everything will be fine. Sometimes I feel I have no clue what I am doing, while sometimes I feel on top of the world with self-confidence and self-belief.

But then, I remember going through a similar confused state around 5 years ago, when I had to decide between working for Amdocs and working for TCS. It had then seemed to be such a tremendous decision to make.

In hindsight though, I don’t know if that decision played a major role in my life. I would have probably still been unhappy with climbing the corporate ladder, and I can see how I would have gone down a similar path to the one I took.

I know I am hypothesizing here, but maybe my choices have played NO part in my current situation. Maybe I am what I am, and would have been what I am no matter what.

Because you didn’t come here to make the choice, you’ve already made it. You’re here to try to understand *why* you made it. I thought you’d have figured that out by now.

– The Oracle (The Matrix Reloaded)

I am still trying to figure it out.

Maybe choice is an illusion after all.